thomas hazelmyer

amphetamine reptile

two words that allow the imagination to run wild

and there's a man that goes by the name of thomas hazelmyer that's been helping provide the soundtrack to those visuals for the past 25 years

he's been allowing people access to things that go by names such as halo of flies...guzzard...cows...lubricated goat...hammerhead...

the list goes on and on

and i'm assuming that you...the reader...are familiar with more than a few of those things

and then there are the words...that when mentioned in certain company...brings a mischevious look to faces and a twinkle to the eyes: DOPE GUNS 'N' FUCKING IN THE STREETS

now...with my words...i don't think i could do any of this justice...so i'm just going to fire off a few questions to the man himself...and hopefully he'll have a little something to say

SGM: is haze in fact xxl?

TH: Indeed I fought hard to earn that title, pound by pound.

SGM: you started amphetamine reptile to release your own band's material...where did the name come from?

TH: To my best recollection I thought Lemmy used the phrase in a song, I found out that's not what he was saying, but stuck with it.

SGM: how exactly does one go from being a marine to the head of one (if not the best) record labels of the 1990's?

TH: The two are mutually exclusive, other than the same mental quirk that had me pick the USMC also helped form my taste in music.

SGM: you had originally started the label in seattle,wa...but then moved to minneapolis,mn...what caused the move?...did you somehow see into the future and know that the area would be overrun with pretentious coffee and flannel?

TH: Actually Seattle "acquired" it's taste in long hair & flannel from Minneapolis, look at pre grunge photo's of the Replacements, Husker Du, Soul Asylum. I left Minneapolis to escape that, only to then see all around me morph into MN style (ha-ha). The coffee was actually amazing. I was stationed there and actually loved it, and was fortunate enough to have left before the grunge shenanigans were to occur, and the whole thing soured and became a parody of itself.

SGM: does buzz osborne possess compromising photographs of you?...he always seems to be in the background somewhere...he's even been known to sling drinks at your eating/drinking establishment GRUMPY'S

TH: He's been one of my best friends for a couple decades. We share the same twisted sense of humor and sensibilities. Okay, and yes there's some pics of a drunken me, with livestock in Venezuela that I wish didn't exist. In my defense it's not my fault that that prick Buzzo doesn't drink, and that Hugo Chavez's wife is easily mistaken for a goat and vice versa, I thought I was getting one over on that dictator in the making.

SGM: what got you into the restaurant biz?...was it the peeling of potatoes in the marines?

TH: Because selling hamburgers and beer sounded like a fucking fantastic break from 15 years in the music biz.

SGM: do you agree with the saying "record collectors should never be in bands"?

TH: Nah I've actually known some that have used their vast knowledge of music through their incessant collecting for good and not evil. Granted when the opposite happens it can be horrific.

SGM: music nowadays...should be it called music or "music"?

TH: Where? DID YOU SPOT SOME!!!!! Fuck I'd kill for new music that Ibroke some new ground and wasn't content to wallow in the filth of history. Aside from a SMALL handful of bands it seems insanely dismal out there in so far as the push to progress/advance has all but died.

SGM: if you were ever forced to join forces with another record label...which of these would it be?: sub pop? dischord? touch and go?

TH: Does not play well with others. Now if you asked me "what labels would you cherry pick, and then smash under your heel", I might have had an answer...

SGM: have you and today is the day's steve austin ever gone hunting together?

TH: No, and it seems Mr. Austin's gun collection has far surpassed my own. I've always been a gun enthusiast, but at the end of the day I'm a city kid have never been hunting. Not that I have anything against it!

SGM: seeing as how AmRep has been in business as long as it has...have there been any bands that you wished you would've worked with?...bands you'd never work with again?

TH: Yes!

SGM: this coming august there's an AmRep anniversary bash taking place (on the 28th to be exact)...and the question that seems to be on everyone's lips is "where are the cows?"...have you tired of being asked that question?...do you want to slap faces?

TH: Not so much slap faces, but sit on their chest punching the face until the cheek bones give way and you're just punching a red and grey mushy pulp.
Yes indeed we are completely retarded and we did ask the Cows to play. I don't know how I ever got anywhere without a bunch of folks around me - stating the obvious, repeatedly.

SGM: so...what of the cows?

TH: Ask them, I've tried several years in a row, to no avail.

SGM: and with that...i do believe i've taken up enough of your time...this is the part of the show where you tell it to the kids...so go on...do it

TH: NEVER, and I mean NEVER go out into public dressed in attire that you would not want to get into a fist fight in. That means lose the man baby flip flops, beards, and the sweat pant shorts. Jesus H., didn't your father teach you anything???



and hopefully...some of you will make your way to the parking lot of GRUMPY'S on the 28th of august...and if you happen to spot thomas hazelmyer (and his kick ass sideburns) wandering about...approach him and have him school you in the art of the dead nazi